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Dear Aunty Elle...
 
 Hope third time is a lucky one for me. I am currently in a bit of unsettle situation with my ex. We broke up a year ago but since then we sort of engage in a casual relationship. We sort of stop when we went on a 3 month trip, although we briefly met in Spain and we had a fling again... although this time was not only physical connection but something more (like we used to be). Now he has come back from his trip, we saw each other, and he tells me that he does miss me and even thuogh he is funny with the word love, he recognises he still have strong feelings for me.... and in general misses my company although he is also happy with what he is doing now.
 
 I felt a deeper connection this time, his actions say one thing but his words others.... he tells me he does not believe in marriage even though last year he was considering to propose to me without me pushing him towards that.... and he does not want to have children either... he is not sure if that's a feeling he will have always or will change but he knows those are important to me, hence he does not feel like is a good idea to engage in a serious relationship as we were.
 
 In general, my heart tells me he will come around.... but of course I am scare to get hurt again waiting for him....as I can only love him but can not manipulate his mind about the fears he has with commitment and love. Is he the one for me? Or I should just let him go for good and stop seeing him until my love is transformed into something I can handle and live with seeing him as a friend?

I really need some insight.... I am happy when I am with him and I know he shares the same feeling about me....
 
 Thanks a lot, I hope all my rambling made some sense.
 MSC
 

 

My dear marvelous MSC!

 

Oh! You deserve so much more! Please do not fool yourself, he can never be a friend... what kind of friend would play with a friend's heart and make her so bound that she sits waiting for crumbs from him while he can go to as many "restaurants" as he likes! He is a spoiled little boy not ready to be a real man, I am afraid...and you are paying way too high a price for his atitude! Whether he realises it or not matters little, if he doesn't realise the effects of his behavior,that makes him only slightly less cold hearted anyway! I have seen so many wonderful, devoted, loving women wait years (10, 15, and as long as 25) for the men they loved to grow up, only to see their men pick up and leave suddenly to get married and found a family with other women! These men who treat women like Kleenex don't deserve our love or even affection. You can give him your affection if you like... but when it comes to love making... you can tell him that the next man who you give your body to will have got down on one knee to ask you to marry him and be the mother of his children! You know, that is not the kind of thing one can say to a man when dating after meeting him the first time! Men used to know those rules and look for "easy women" at first and then marry a "nice girl". They still had it all wrong back then but these days it is not so easy for any woman to get men to stand up to the base... Men get an idea of a woman right off the bat and it is difficult to get him to change it once his mind is set- the only way to get him to change his mind ( and even this does not often work) is to shock him into thinking "Hoo! I must have made a mistake about her!". So you can try that if you can be happy with him and get him to be happy with you without sex- until he proposes... personally, I feel you should turn the page and totally close the book and even throw it at him  but I also feel you don't want to hear that. You deserve a man who is not JUST out for a good time... rather, you deserve a one-woman man who is out for a good time with his soulmate for ALWAYS, and who has the courage to want to love you forever. That is why I prefer online soulmate seeking: because you can let men know UPFRONT who you are looking for and what you expect! I said that I was a one-man woman looking for a one-woman man, and sending a message in a bottle out onto the cybersea to find him: my soulmate who will want us to be best friends, allies, lovers -husband and wife forever and always. You cannot say THAT on a first date! LOL So when you are ready, that is what I advise you to do: search for the man who is searching for you! When I turned 52, my concerned daughter and her husband got me an i-Mac; they subscribed me to a few sites; my son gave me computer lessons and I began chatting on a forum that was on an Angelina Jolie fan site to try to help an actor friend of mine. YOU don't need all that practice! Your soulmate is not that nearby either, I feel. I was 9000 miles away from mine at the time although we were born in the same county! There are many sites out there and many guys who are looking for a fun fling at any age. Some, never get married nor can face any responsibilities unless the law forces them to! Anyway, I went on quite few of those sites and paid none... I found out that on a Christian one, the guys were often not so "Christian" nor had honorable intentions... on another one, I was so out-of-the-box that when they chose my matches for me, there was no harmony at all! I like mate1 because it's free for the ladies... must be the Scottish in me LOL or the idea that when a man knows that HE has to pay but NOT the lady, then SHE is not so desperate! Men often interprete women's actions as needy (when they're not) enough as it is! So I suggest that you choose your site according to how you feel about it. Look at the photos of the women on the site. If they are mostly scantily clad, then the site is not for you. Listen to your inner voice. Put your best foot forward and no sad stories please. Now for your profile. Be truthful and charming. If you have a sense of humor, use it. Don't forget to include all the things you like to do, that you used to like to do and would like to do again... and then say that you would also like to discover and learn new things in the future. Make it VERY clear that you are looking for a HUSBAND with whom you can be best friends, lovers, travelling companions and allies for a lifetime, facing the world and everything the future has to offer together. You get rid of the guys with wrong intentions if you are straightforward. Then start looking; pick and choose while waiting for the One to show up. First choose the general aspects he MUST have... then look at ALL the photos that have been sorted as FAST as you can! Eliminate every man who you wouldn't want to hold you in his arms. That is not only your taste but also your intuition at work! Now start reading profiles and do the same. You can feel: green light, red light... don't think or make excuses! You can feel a good heart, shyness or lies...better than you would imagine! Eliminate! Now choose 12... Enjoy getting to know them. Tell them the truth, that you're getting to know a few other men as well and that you really like him and his..wit/kind gentlemanly attitude/elegance ...etc. Little by little, these men will show their true colors. Moreover, some that you didn't see will also contact you. If you like one, fine, if not, gently let him down.  When it fizzles with one and he is no longer in your favorites, check out the newcomers that meet your criteria and find out if you meet theirs! Some will just be fooling around, others are not for you but... one day all these nice guys will seem to fade and you will have eyes for only one who is becoming more and more vivid in your mind's eye and present in your heart. If he has been faithfully writing (by the way never send more than one message for each one of his- this needy thing turns guys off- they often get it wrong but let's not confuse anyone OK?) then let him know that you are losing interest in everyone except him. This is scary for him in spite of the fact it is what he wants. So just wait if he doesn't answer... and if STILL doesn't answer, start all over. He might write when he sees you're not... er ...running after him LOL Otherwise find the wonderful man who is deserving of your trust and love by keeping at it! Then, if he is willing to move mountains to meet you, it's an excellent start at last ! (YOU must not be the one to do all that!) and don't let him string you along for sexy chats or e-mails... that is another trap not to fall in! Better than going to a bar or the town picnic, right? You'll find each other! Enjoy the ride in the meantime!

Bountiful blessings!
Elle